2005-03-19, 8:58 p.m.
19/3
First, a big, belated HAPPY B-DAY to my sister Kenda, as well as a big CONGRATS on getting into her first-choice grad school. Good job, Ken!
Today I am sad for no reason. I could blame it on being homesick; I could blame it on a boy; I could blame it on the lack of any boys; I could blame it on the fact that I will be passing the next week alone because it's spring break here in Spain and all of my friends are out of town; or I could just tell the truth and say I'm sad for no reason.
I had a nice dinner with Nicole and her mother tonight. We had fajitas, which was a welcome change. I miss Mexican food a lot more than I thought I would. I think that's because you can get it everywhere in the States, and nowhere in Barcelona. I also went to swing tonight. It was nice. And I got a ride home, which was great. I also got paid. After finally paying off my rent for this month, I will have a little bit of money for food. La semana santa (Easter week) is a bit of a forced vacation. I'd really rather be working, because I'm just going to get by with the money I have, but the school I teach at is closed; my main private student is going to Palamos, a beach town; and my other private student will be in Lisbon. Nicole is going to Budapest, her roommates are in Italy, and other people I know are going to England and Paris. The good news is that I will be traveling a wee bit; there is an Ultimate tournament in the Costa Brava, an hour away from Barcelona. I'm going to go on Sunday and Monday and possibly play with my team from Geneva. I'm pretty excited about it; the weather has been getting warmer in Spain and the tournament is supposed to be on the beach, so it could be really fun. I'm not sure what's going to happen with housing or registration fees ... I am on a pretty tight budget so I am hoping to play but if I have to pay, I don't think I will. I'll just toss the disc around with some people, hang out on the beach, go to the parties, and call it a weekend.
Anyway, I'm having a sort of down day. I don't know why but some days are worse than others. Some days I am happy to be here, living, "making it", appreciating the architecture and the nightlife, etc. And some days I despair that I'll never get to the level of the language that I want; that I just want to read a book in English; that I wish I was with my family; that I want my friends from home. Sometimes, also, like tonight, I wonder about dancing. Dancing is like breathing for me; when I don't dance, I start to suffocate. I've always thought about trying to be a professional dancer, but everyone - every single person I have ever talked to about it - has said it's too much work for no money, that there are too many talented people and not enough jobs, that it ruins your body and can demoralize you as a person. But I love it, and I miss it. I got an e-mail from a friend who said she's taking ballet again and getting strong and flexible (shout-out, inga-chan), and I'm jealous. I looked into studio classes here but I can't afford it.
What I'm trying to say, in a roundabout way, is that sometimes I wonder why I'm not making dance my life - at least for a while. I love it. It makes me feel alive. I like dancing, I like performing, I like all of it. I would love to train and work out and work hard and get strong and flexible, but I don't know when I can make that happen. Can I make that happen? How? *sigh* I'm sorry, I'm just sad and a little frustrated and thought I would share some of my thoughts.
I feel like I've been a little negative so here are some positive things:
- I had a really nice dinner in a cool restaurant
- the water was hot hot hot for BOTH showers I took today in my flat
- I got to dance for a few hours
- frisbee this weekend!
- I get to sleep AS LONG AS I WANT tomorrow; no more waking up at 6 for a killer commute
But all that said, I am sad and I have learned through the course of life that sometimes, you have to let yourself be sad. You can't recognize ALL THE TIME how lucky and privileged you are. You just have to do it enough so that you never forget. But never forgetting doesn't mean constantly remembering, because that can be exhausting and make you feel worse. Sometimes, it's OK just to feel sad.
Language spot:
Petite, today, because I don't have the energy:
- a "thing", as in "I kind of had a thing with him," is "Tuvimos un rollo" (o tuve un rollo con el).
And finally, lyrics to a song I was listening to and I find relevant: (those of you with the capability, should download it. It's very good.)
Inside of Love by Nada Surf
I want to know what it's like on the inside of love
standing at the gates I see the beauty above
I can't find my way in
I try again and again
I'm on the outside of love
always under or above
must be a different view
to be a me with a you
Only when we get the arial view will the patterns show
then we'll know what to do
I know the last page so well I can't read the first
so I just don't start
it's getting worse
I want to know what it's like on the inside of love
standing at the gates I see the beauty above
I want to know what it's like on the inside of love
of course I'll be all right
I just had a bad night
I had a bad night ...
