October 07, 2005, 2:54 a.m.
I want to address what I haven't yet: the dancer part. Have I been avoiding it, or has there been too much other important information to get out, such as the fact that I get to take a hot shower every single night? There's a lot to say, so bear with me.
As most of you know (and those faithful blog-readers will definitely know), I've thought about being a dancer for a long time. When I say "being a dancer," I suppose I mean dancing professionally - being that strong, that good, that it is your profession - having dance be the focus of your life, getting paid for it and/or competing in it. For a long time I've told myself I'm not good enough, or it's not the lifestyle I want, or it's unrealistic, or whatever else. But it's what I want to do, so I'm going to do it.
Of course there are many questions as I begin: Where am I going with this? What is my goal? Broadway? Music videos? Competition? Getting paid to teach? Which type of dance will I focus on? What will that mean for my training? Am I good enough? Am I even close to good enough? But there are also a lot of things I know and I feel: I feel like I'm ready; I feel like little things have come together pointing me in this direction, and I know I'm good. I don't know if I'm good *enough*, but I know from people's comments that I do have that spark or grace or magic that comes from really good dancers. I'm just not trained.
So I'm going to train: my time here and in Buenos Aires will be spent taking dance classes and working on strengthening my body. I'm not exactly sure "what I'm going to do with it" -- my goal is simply to get good enough, and hope that I can do something with it. Apparently from what Mayte and others say, once you get good enough, people notice. They start asking you to audition and then they start giving you jobs. And of course, this is the idea, but I am also doing this for the sake of doing it -- something Americans are generally not good at. I'm not doing it for a specific purpose or reason other than to get to that level where I can say "Here. This is it. This is as good, as strong, as graceful, as talented and trained a dancer as I am ever going to be." Because the truth is that right now, I'm not. I'm the potential without the realization. I remember once in New York City I was dancing swing/salsa with a friend, and a crowd gathered to watch. And at a pause in the music, a woman came up to me and said, "Which studio are you with?" I said, "We're not." and she said, "Well, you should be." She thought we were so good that we were representing a studio. I'll always remember that, because it was the first time someone mistook me for a professional dancer, and it felt good. So this is partly for her - or rather, because of her: OK - I'm going to try. It's time for me to try.
At the same time, I feel embarrassed for trying. I feel embarrassed telling people who ask me that I'm training to be a dancer. I feel like it's not going to happen, or it's too un-intellectual, or mostly that I'm going to fail. I'm trying not to think about these things too much, because self-discouragement is one of the most unproductive inclinations I know, but the thoughts do run through my mind.
In terms of focus, my plan is to start with tango. I want to master the dance, be able to move and flow and lean and cross and flirt with my feet the way the really good dancers do. Tango is still enigmatic to me; there are a lot of moves and steps that I just don't know, which makes it exciting to learn. But now it's less like a mystery and more like a jigsaw puzzle; I can more or less see where I need to go and what I need to do (more or less) to get there. One day I will be one of the women in glittering heels.
In terms of training, the idea is to take a lot of dance, and then work out. My life will be yoga, pilates, lifting, ballet, jazz, hip hop, and of course, tango. And I'll be working for EssayEdge and Cindy for money. Welcome to my dance world! I'm nervous and excited and unsure and thrilled all at the same time.
Wish me luck!
