December 15, 2005, 6:48 p.m.
I have been looking forward to this for a long time. By "this", I mean writing down all the thoughts that have been swirling around in me during the past few days and weeks. Forgive me if this entry is disparate; I have a lot of processing to do and I haven't done it in a long time. My mother says that when one doesn't take the time to process, one becomes irritable and reserved, and even sad. I believe this to be true, and it certainly explains some of my recent behavior.
First, I would like to say that I realize that at this point in my life, I am very self-involved. I'm narcissistic in that I think about myself all the time; what I'm doing, where I'm going, how I look, how I feel, what my needs are. I realize that at another time and place and stage this will not be how it is; I further realize that I'm lucky I get to be so self-centered. I'm lucky to have the luxury of a healthy family and be healthy myself, and especially privileged to have a job that allows me to do what I'm doing. Someday, I will have other people to take care of, other responsibilities, and time to myself will be something I treasure. I just wanted to say that I do know how lucky I am, and I do appreciate it.
It seems incredible to me that one year ago, I was sitting in the library at the University of Geneva, finishing up my fellowship project. I had another week in Switzerland before going to the UK to spend Christmas with Marina and her family, a week and a half in Lyon with Cindy, and then a few weeks looking for work in the Alps. Life always seems normal when you're living it, doesn't it? And then when you stop to think about it, unreality seeps in and it all seems surreal, tenuous. Or maybe that's just me.
I've felt lonely for the past few days. Nothing in particular, and actually I spoke with my mom, dad, and sister all in one day yesterday, which could be something of a record. I'm not sure what it is, I just feel the need for more companionship. As I was taking off my socks today, I remember thinking, "I wonder when I'll be with someone who will know what my favorite pair of socks is. I wonder when I'll have a real boyfriend, a husband, a family." I'm also still missing the family time I had in Hawai'i at Thanksgiving. It's different to wake up in the morning to a note on the counter, or to crepes on the porch, or to Kenda discussing her facebook wall, to waking up to an empty house, a day full of possibility, yes, but a day alone nonetheless.
My latest task is securing my student visa. To do this I need to: get a physical examination and have a doctor sign off on the fact that I am healthy enough to complete a study abroad program; submit this and other forms including proof of health insurance to the Rotary Foundation, who will then be authorized to purchase my round-trip ticket, which I will need proof of to get the visa; receive a mailed application from the St. Thomas Office of Vital Statistics to get an original copy of my birth certificate; get an official police report from the state of Hawai'i; translate all forms in English into Spanish using an official translator, notarize the forms by a public notary, and legalize them by the Secretary of State with an apostille. I will then be required to travel to LA to make an appointment with the consulate to get my fingerprints taken, and present all said forms in person, after which time they will hopefully present me with the visa. If nothing goes wrong. And all the stamps are in order. And I get an appointment with the Embassy. And everything comes in the mail okay. And I make it down to LA okay. It's gonna happen.
Besides this incredible orchestration of events and public offices, I am back in my regular routine. I dance a lot. I've been tango dancing six nights out of the last seven, and have several things to report.
First, often when I stop to think about what I'm doing, the unlikely-ness of the situation strikes me (and frankly, discourages me more often than not). Mayte said that the way you become a professional dancer is to get really good, and then people will start to notice you. "So, what happens," I would say to myself, "I get really good and then people just start coming up to me and offering jobs??" If last Sunday is any indication, it's not quite like this, but similar.
I was noticed twice last Sunday. The first time was a lady who said "You're just so cute out there! And you're pretty." It was an odd comment, (I was especially thrown by the "cute" comment. Tango is a lot of things, but cute isn't one of them) but the point was that someone had noticed me dancing and thought enough to say something to me about it. I was even more surprised, however, when an old Argentinean man pulled me aside to tell me he thought I was very good, and that he should know, because he's a teacher and one of the founder's of the SF tango scene. Then he gave me his card and told me I should take classes with him when I'm back in Buenos Aires. It suddenly occurred to me that this is how it happens: it's not that people just walk up to you and give you jobs, it's that they notice you, and then you dance at their studio and when they hear of auditions (which they are sure to, given how embedded they are in the scene), they tell you, or even invite you. And their friends are directors, or producers, or they are themselves, and it is the connections you make after you are noticed that make all the difference. Your talent brings you far enough to get noticed, and then things start happening.
So tango is going well. Ballet, on the other hand, remains challenging. I cried today. What it is about this dance that makes you a) want to gain approval from mean teachers, and b) starve yourself? (Don't worry -- the latter is only a temporary desire while you're actually in class). I took a ballet class with a male Russian teacher today, which was both difficult and intimidating, but not just because of the teacher. The other students in the class were *so good*. I take dance at two primary studios, and the difference between them is striking. The first, Rhythm and Motion, offers classes in a variety of dance styles, (Afro-Carribbean, tap, ancient hula, etc.) and most of them are geared towards older people who are just dancing for fun, to get some exercise and have a good time. Frankly, nobody is particularly talented. SF Dance Center, on the other hand, is much more dance-y. The class I took today, for example, appeared to have several professional dancers in it. You could tell because they had outstanding extension, could do the routines practically without thinking about it, and just floated around in their turns; they were beautiful. This brings me to my next point about being noticed: You get noticed not just because you're good, but because you're better. In other words, if there had been a casting call today, there would have been two dancers picked - the best two.
"Of course you're going to be frustrated," you're going to say, "You're comparing yourself to women in the San Francisco Ballet. They could be principals, for all you know." (For those of you who aren't aware, principal dancers are the "leads" of a ballet company; there is usually only a handful, and the rest comprise the corps de ballet, or the chorus. Most professional ballet dancers spend their lives hoping to become a principal in a company like NYC Ballet, SF Ballet, or the Joffrey Ballet in Chicago.) Yes, that's true, but it's not actually those dancers which make me frustrated. I'm never going to be a professional ballet dancer and in fact have no desire to be. What frustrates me is my inability to pick up routines quickly, and more importantly, to turn. It's odd; in ballet, I have the grace but not the strength ... it seems like this should be easy to rectify (you can't teach someone grace, but you can get stronger), but it's not. it takes a long time and it's difficult. But don't worry, I'm not giving up!
Turns. The heart and soul of athletic dance (some of my tango friends use the phrase "athletic dance" to distinguish between partner dances and ballet, jazz, etc. -- the ones that are, well, more athletic). My weakness in ballet. I haven't really been able to do a clean double ... ever. Occasionally I can, but it's more like a freak occurrence, when I'm not thinking about it and get lucky with my balance, than a consistent activity that I can control. I'm very good at other things in ballet; I should be able to turn. I finally asked one of the women in my class who I respect as a dancer (she also happens to be a teacher; it's probably no coincidence that everyone I notice in dance turns out to be either a professional or a teacher, which probably means they are a former professional) what I'm doing wrong. She showed me something fundamental which has, frankly, changed my whole outlook on ballet, which was great. Even if I can't do it yet, I'm making progress just by knowing. She showed me that where I'm putting my weight in ballet is wrong, and probably has something (although not everything) to do with tango. In tango, you keep your weight firmly on the big-toe side of the ball of your foot. In ballet, especially for turns, the weight has to be evenly distributed throughout your metatarsals, or you don't have enough of a platform to turn on. The good news is that this does seem to change my turns; I can feel the difference. The bad news is that I will have to build up what feels like an entirely different set of muscles. I can barely balance on my feet in this new way.
To get a second opinion, I asked the Russian teacher after class for help with my turns. The conversation went a little like this:
Me: "Excuse me, could you please help me with my turns?"
Him: (with haughty look) "Now?"
My head: "Well, yes, you are the teacher and I am a student PAYING to be in your class. So yes now, you idiot, what, do you think I should make an appointment with you instead?"
Me: merely smile
Him: "Fine, I will give you one correction."
My head: "Wow, one correction, you're so generous. Or do you think you're superior just because you're a (way) better dancer than me? You suck."
Anyway, I pretty much regretted asking as soon as I saw said haughty look, and his comments were less than helpful. I could have figured out most of it on my own. Leaving, I started to cry, but then I thought, "What were you expecting? You asked a MALE, *Russian*, **ballet teacher** for advice. Did you think he was going to be patient and compassionate? But I know I can do this. I KNOW I can. I just have to be persistent and practice. It's not even about training anymore, it's more to prove to myself that I can do it. Plus, it would be nice to go into any dance class or audition and know -- KNOW -- that I can do a double. I'd really like that.
Back to tango, I had a great night last night. My favorite venue, Cellspace, put on a "Hollywood" holiday theme party, with lots of costumes and posters and decorations. Even better, I got to dance with George Garcia, my tango teacher from Hawai'i, who I *love* dancing with because he's so good. He only danced with like two people, and I was one of them, I felt so special. Then, I found someone to practice with! This is great. Because unlike a few months ago, when I felt like an aggravated bat in tango, blind and not knowing where to step or what to do, now I feel more like a graceful squirrel - sort of jumpy and uneven, but at least I know what I need to do. Anyway the point of that is to say that I know the moves I need to practice, now it's just a matter of practicing them. It's hard, though, to find someone to practice with, because they have to be good enough to be at your level, but not so good that they have no motivation to practice anymore (i.e. teachers). But I found someone last night - or rather, I re-noticed someone who had previously asked me if I might want to practice with him. This brings me to another great truth I have noticed in dance: Really really good dancers are not necessarily good teachers, and really really good teachers are not necessarily the best dancers. Sometimes, someone who you might not particularly like or respect as a dancer will know how to teach, and often the best critics are not still dancing. Hope that made sense. Anyway I really think this person will have some great stuff to teach me, and i can finally practice with someone - just PRACTICE, like do boleos over and over, and do sacadas over and over. I just need to do them a hundred thousand times so I get smoother. I'm excited about this, it's like real progress. Also, on Sunday I took someone else up on his offer of showing me a few things. He's Russian (I know, I know, because I've had the greatest luck with Russians), and a very good dancer. He says if I come to the San Mateo milonga early, he'll spend some time teaching me some things, so that's exciting.
Hey, want to hear something ironic? Apparently, Fabien, this über important, well-known tango teacher, detests the chair dance. Remember that exercise I mentioned, about doing a turn around a chair? Well, apparently he hates it, and he has a right to, because he's the one who invented it! He says it makes you lean in, when part of the idea of the turn is to lean out and balance your partner. I think that's hilarious that it's a world-recognized way to practice turns, and the person who invented it thinks it's worthless. Plus I feel better about not doing it now.
In other dance news, hip hop was annoying this week. I really don't like when teachers use the same routine. I think they should at least put enough effort in to come up with new material. Annoying, but then again, I take hip hop at the JCC (my gym), where I guess the point is more to get some exercise than actual dance. I have to find another place to take hip hop.
Other tango things I'm writing down to remind myself and just for the hell of it:
- it is the follower's job to rotate or "orbit" around the lead. If you're not sure where to put your hips, etc., just keep rotating the lead. He is your sun.
- tango is all about resistance. When you're going forward, you should lean back just a little bit to give your lead resistance; and when going backward, you should push forward just a little bit to resist the lead. This is really hard to remember.
- In doing the molinete (or basic turn), lean out, a little away from your lead, to create a swinging sensation
- in parallel, when leads step toward you, step right next to their foot, not away. This will help in placement for moves like the inside gancho.
And finally, my week has been substantially less stressful because I've finally found someone I can consistently ask for rides to tango events. I haven't caught public transportation to tango at all in the past week; I've either biked or gotten a lift, and it has made a huge difference. I have more time at home, less stress about connections, and less worry during the day about who to call, etc. Plus, I like the guy I'm getting rides with. His name is Nobu, he's Japanese, and a patient, understated dancer. I baked him pumpkin muffins. I love getting rides.
And other favorite moments of the past week or so:
- having Marina call me to tell me she had just gotten off the bus at McAllister and Pierce (bad neighborhood), and where should she go? ("Up two blocks and over one! As fast as you can!")
- drinking peppermint hot chocolate and finishing harry potter. Sooo delectable.
- discovering that the split pea soup i made isn't bad as originally thought. why is soup always so much better the second day?
- jumping around and dancing to Grease with Marina in Emily's apartment and then going out with the girls to a fun night of drunken clubbing
- having a lovely day with Nicole and Angie, going for a walk in the Panhandle, getting hot cider and then eating a yummy Himalayan meal. It was really nice and stress-free to hang out with them. I really like socializing.
- reading the following on Kenda's facebook wall (I don't know why I find it so incredibly hilarious):
"Best Quote From NYC Trip:
"I love New York. There's so many to do....
*awkward silence*
Much....I mean there's so much to do."
Language spot:
I asked my friend from Spain how you say "third wheel" in Spanish, and apparently (at least in Spain), it's "person who grasps the candle-holder." The logic behind this, he pointed out, was that in the olden days someone had to be around in the dark with the couple to hold the candle aloft, for how else would the two lovers see to kiss each other?
And from the endless supply of hilarity that is EssayEdge:
"This report demonstrates a new manner of sexual satisfac of , and drag the attention o n the male sex. " The prevention is m e fundamental tha he treating , however, treating is also necessary.,the relief of pain of a primate group of a suicide is seldom in China, and t h e re lack the resea r c h a n d i n t e r v ention i n scheme for these groups. " "Being raised in a healthy and wormy house does not turn me into a better person than those who have been born in a poor home, without proper education and respectful life." And from my cousin David's e-mail: Costa Rican word of the day Colectivo- 1. public bus in Costa Rica 2. the hottest, most cramped Writing this e-mail from a town called quepos, 5 miles away from the place where noah and I are staying: manuel antonio. A little beach tourist community, next to a national park, manuel antonio combines natural beauty, surf culture, and diverse mildly domesticated wildlife for one great place. Today noah and I watched with glee as a tourist in the park yelled at a monkey to return the crackers that it had stolen from her bag. Hilarious.
way to get from point to point in costa rica
