November 29th, 2006, 7:32 p.m.
James Russell Lowell - "Fate loves the fearless."
Today is November 29th, 2006.
In one minute I will take another sip of my cappuccino.
In one hour I will be on my way to a dance performance; the boyfriend of a friend of mine is a professional ballet and contemporary dancer and he has a show tonight in the same theater as the spaghetti show (we will get to that).
In one week I will have two weeks left here. I will have gone to my last Rotary meeting, paid my last month’s rent, and gone to my facultad for the last time. I will be attempting to sell my old computer on Argentina’s version of e-Bay and trying to get rid of my furniture.
In one month I will be back in the States. I will have had my first Starbucks in nearly a year, squealed with delight at seeing my family and Mirabai, and gone to my first American milonga. I will have had a good, old-fashioned Cali burrito, Christmas and Channukkah will have come and gone, and my sister and I will be contemplating what to wear on New Year’s Eve.
And in one year, I don’t know where I will be.
There is so much to cover that I’m starting with now. Now because it’s the most relevant, now because I have enough to say about the present that it overshadows the past.
Now, I have three weeks left in Argentina. My time here has been full, varied, intense. I have made no close Argentine friends but I appreciate all the connections I do have. I appreciate being part of the community at my ballet, jazz, and tango studios (all separate). I love my yoga teacher and it feels good to go to different milongas and see familiar faces, say hello to all those I have danced with and whose names I know. I have had mate with Dave the American, helped Mirabai and Juani put together a last-minute lindy choreography, danced to Gotan with Claudio at La Marshall, played truco (a bizarre Argentine card game) with Emily and her facultad friends, gone to Liquid with Will and Marina, and gossiped with Soledad in stretching class.
I have also made connections with myself while here. I have learned how to interpret my dreams and have had some truly powerful images come to me in them. I have learned how to dialogue with my inner self, either through channeled writing in a meditative state or by throwing the I Ching. I had my astrological chart done and read a number of books that have expanded my worldview about the nature of consciousness and the complexity of the universe.
I have come to a clearer understanding of who I am and how to own that. I am graceful. I enjoy beauty and to maintain my calm I need to surround myself with it. I am a dancer and I need to own that even if I’m not the best in the class. I am learning how to slow down and not think so much, how to focus on the present rather than the future, how to accept things and be happy, how to appreciate my five senses and the phenomenal Earth we were put on.
And then there is dance. In terms of tango, I’m officially ready to call myself a WIGS (Woman in Glittering Shoes). I realized this the other day when I wasn’t afraid to ask a teacher to dance – and when a teacher asked me. He was a teacher from France, one of those portly older gentlemen who tend to be either very bad or very accomplished. He strode right up to me and asked me in a way that said “Dance with me.” So I did and it was wonderful. Our connection was right on and he said my embrace (stance) was exceptional. Actually, several of my partners have complimented me lately, saying that I’m dancing more relaxed, more suave. So I know that I have improved in tango, partly because people tell me and partly because I feel it. Also, my friend Claudio is in a show here and about to go on a tour in the States for another performance. And I’ve seen his dance partner, and I’m just as good as her if not better. So I know that at least for tango, I’m at the level where I could be a performer – I just lack the opportunity.
This brings me to my next point, which is that recently I have come to understand that it is not enough to just want something – you need to communicate about it. For example, I was talking to Claudio the other day and I finally expressed my frustration that I want to dance professionally but I just haven’t found a way. He looked at me and said, “Querés bailar?” (You want to dance?) And I said “Sí! Con todo mi corazon!” (Yes! With all my heart!) And he said, well then dance in my show! This didn’t actually happen – I was to substitute for his partner while she was in Europe but her plans fell through – but the important thing is that if I had never spoken up, he would never have known that it was what I really wanted. Another example: the other nite at a milonga I danced with someone and while we chatted during the pause between tandas (sets) I mentioned that I want to work in dance. He said he had a small show here (three couples) and that they might be looking for a woman. Then he said it was too bad I was leaving.
The dance world here, as large as it seems, is really quite small. There is a sensationally good male dancer in my ballet class named César, and to make a long story short it turns out that he is Mayte’s ex-boyfriend (Mayte my tango friend from last year when I was here with the girls). Not only that, but his brother is Omar, who I dance with in the swing scene here. I know practically his whole family – I was also and continue to be friends with his father, an old-school milonguero (who also complimented me on my dancing the other day, which is incredible given that he looked at me sternly not two months ago and said, “You haven’t been taking lessons, have you?”). And César used to be in Forever Tango, a Broadway show that is currently playing in San Francisco. Anyway, the real point is that I want to be a performer and I’m not sure where I fit. I’m good at tango but I don’t think I’m passionate enough about it to come back down here and really try to find a show, although that’s a realistic possibility, especially given all the contacts I have now. I want to be a performer and I know I have talent, but I’m not good enough at many of my dance forms (ballet, for example) to be in a ‘real’ company. The truth is lately I have come to realize that while we make think we choose much of life, much is also based on circumstances and luck, or what I now know to be destiny. I have this feeling, this intuition, that if I am meant to dance I will. I will continue to work hard and train, but I don’t need to be desperate or angst-y about it. I do need to keep trying and communicating. I’m still not sure exactly where I fit with dance, but I have faith that I will find it. Some days and moments are more frustrating than others.
As my time here draws to a close I think about what I’ll miss about Buenos Aires and what I’m looking forward to in the States. I will miss Argentine Spanish. I like their che, their shh for double l’s, their ‘Para!’ and their hand gestures. I will miss the easy transport around the city. The Bs.As. subway closes at 10pm but their buses run all night, plus taxis are overwhelmingly abundant and cheap (even without the exchange rate they would be cheap). I’m really going to miss that. I’m going to miss the incredibly high level of tango. You can just sit back and watch at the practicas here and be in awe of the smouldering beauty of the dance, the sleek women and dark men, partners that link and flick and slide and lick the floor with their staccato shoes.
And as for the Argentines, two stories are enough to demonstrate my feelings for them. The other day I went to a café and when it came time to pay the bill I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. Luckily I had my laptop that day so I offered to leave my backpack with them behind the counter while I ran home to get money. My waiter asked the manager about this plan and he said it wasn’t necessary – I could take my backpack and just come back ‘when it was convenient.’ It felt really good to have that faith, that trust. He believed I would come back just because. And I did – I was back in an hour to pay my ten pesos and leave a generous tip. Then the other day at the grocery store I bought a bottle of wine among other things, and after paying, promptly dropped it. I’m talking about straight dropped the bag full-on on the floor, to spill wine everywhere, but mostly on what had been in the bag. Now, in the States they would mop it up and depending on their level of exhaustion that day either give you a dirty look or a sympathetic glance, but here, not only did they replace the bottle of wine (for free), they also replaced all the items in the bag that were wet with vino tinto. I was touched.
Times of transition are always strange for me. Colors become brighter, faces clearer; it’s as if everything is thrown into sharp relief. Time itself also becomes more elastic – days and hours are compressed or stretched according to some mysterious and unknown logic. I feel like that about my last few weeks here, as though everything has been and will happen simultaneously, like the slow unfolding of a film that takes place over a year, a languid parade of images that speed up and slow down to their own rhythm. I only hope to be graceful about the manner in which I say my goodbyes, both to the people in my life here and to my own experience. I hope to be peaceful and appreciative of the finality of this moment, this year of my life that I spent far from my home, in a world apart in every sense of the word.
Language Spot:
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's
indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's
indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's
indifference.
Elie Wiesel
From work, and although long, it’s worth reading til the end:
“As time goes by, the question in the teenager is not magic any more; the sorrow has become the strong motive to incite me to pursue the more unknow. I still do not know what kinds of things I will get in the next time, but the one thing I definitely make sure is that the determination on the field I like. I also feel great appreciation for …kindness and encouragement to me. I am confident in all that I have accomplished and the considerable obstacles I have overcome, which have enabled me to excel in my studies, and continue to propel me towards the door that once appeared closed to me. I believe I can enter that door behind others and come out ahead of them, the door that opens to Georgia Tech. Like many chemical reaction are got by referance on the basis of theory, then to be certified by experiment, the same reaction will appear: dogged determination+aspirasion +academic +practice +keen eyes appropriate condition major breakthrough .I believe you want to certify this chemical reaction.”
“What I have learned and worked there was a quite useful experience: isolating genomic DNA from blood samples and various experiments using mouse such as induction of over-ovulation. Surely, cleaning animal cages and feeding laboratory animals were some of my important works.”
And my favorite saltuation: (I swear I never make these up)
“Deer the Admission Committee,”
