January 16, 2008, 4:11 p.m.
I have recently come to the conclusion that the vast majority of people in the world avoid confrontation. They avoid confrontation with their friends, their partners, their coworkers, their teachers, their bosses, their customers, their siblings, their housemates, their adult children, their religious leaders -- most even avoid it with the Starbucks barrista. People justify this avoidance in a number of ways, including: not wanting to get yelled at in case the conversation goes poorly, not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings, assuming the other person won’t know how to take the feedback so what’s the point, not feeling strong enough to suffer the defensive posturing of the other person, feeling that the correct response is always to ‘turn the other cheek,’ and so on. At the heart of all of this is basic avoidance - we don’t confront others because it’s easier not to. Yet it is remarkable to think about the amount of energy it takes to avoid confrontation. How much time is spent in quiet resentment? How much energy do we spend feeling hurt, betrayed, or angry about something someone else has done, without ever having a conversation with them about it? In the end, is that really ‘easier’?
As I see it, part of the problem is that most of us lack role models in how to be assertive. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive - rather, it is the art of peacefully, productivly, and honestly communicating with someone else, including standing up to them. It also doesn’t mean being passive - quietly ‘accepting’ whatever others say and do because you think that makes you a good person, thus leading you to feel trampled on, victimized, treated unfairly, and (usually) angry and resentful. It also doesn’t mean getting in someone else’s face, attacking them and criticizing their behavior to the point where they can’t hear what you’re saying because they’re too busy thinking of ways to defend themselves. Rather, Courageous Confrontation, as I call it, involves communicating effectively and ‘calling’ other people on their behavior - both for their benefit and for yours. It seems to me that the world would be a much richer place if people engaged in Courageous Confrontation more often.
Now, a few qualifiers. One, engaging in Courageous Confrontation, to me, doesn’t mean a perfect outcome. It is a rare person that can give constructive feedback in a non-threatening manner (a skill I feel few of us have really learned anywhere, let alone practiced and mastered). It is a rarer person still that can TAKE constructive feedback in a non-threatening manner. It takes a lot of skill and courage and grace to hear criticism and not react defensively. However, there are several things to consider: One, despite the fact that someone may react defensively at first, many people (not all) will still hear what you have said, even if it is stated imperfectly. Even if it seems like they discounted it and it didn’t even permeate their bubble of consciousness, chances are they did glean some information from the dialogue - so it was valuable that you spoke up. Second, even if the person is completely impervious to criticism of any kind, there is an inner knowledge that you did the right thing by sharing with that person how you were feeling. In other words, I think you always gain a little personal power anytime you speak your truth - and I also believe that the power of the truth is actually powerful, that when you are bringing a message of truth, the universe supports you in that.
OK, seriously, what am I talking about? Here are a few hypothetical examples:
• In college, you have a professor that reads out of the book during lectures. This is boring to the class, as those who have come prepared become resentful, and those who haven’t prepared don’t even show up, because what’s the point? They’ll just cram at the end of the quarter. You have several choices:
1. Say nothing to the professor, feel increasingly resentful, tell all your friends not to take the class because it’s a waste of time, and at the end of the class on the anonymous feedback form, write, “This class sucks, it’s boring and the prof doesn’t even take the time to prepare for his students.”
2. Say nothing to the professor but complain to your TA and hope that she will tell the professor.
3. Engage in Courageous Confrontation: Go to the professor’s office hours and say, “Hello, I have some feedback for you on your class. You are a very smart person and you have a lot of valuable things to teach us. I want to hear what you have to say, and I currently feel frustrated because in class, you read out of the book. I read the material you assign, then it is repeated to me in class, and I find myself feeling resentful and unhappy. I want to hear about what you have to say about the material - what you think is important, or what extra things you have to teach us. Otherwise, I could just read the book. We, the undergraduates, are motivated and intelligent, and excited to learn from you. As a member of your class, I just wanted to let you know how I felt.”
Possible results of Courageous Confrontation:
1. The professor, hearing your feedback, gets angry and accuses you of stirring up trouble. He hems and haws and tells you how difficult it is to conduct research at a high-powered institution AND teach at the same time. He glares at you and tells you to get out and if you hate his course so much, then drop it! There is no change in the class.
2. The professor, hearing your feedback, gets angry and accuses you of stirring up trouble. He hems and haws and tells you how difficult it is to conduct research at a high-powered institution AND teach at the same time. He glares at you and tells you to get out and if you hate his course so much, then drop it! However, a few classes later, you notice that he doesn’t read from the book. Instead, he has prepared some slides and presents more of his thoughts on what is important about the material, including fascinating cutting-edge research on fast-mutating viruses.
3. The professor is surprised, and thanks you for your feedback. He says he wished more students took an actual interest and that if he knew that more of them were paying attention, he would ‘try harder.’ The two of you engage in a real dialogue on the subject of how to engage students, and you both learn something. The next class, he starts out by asking the students, “This class is on biology. Why do you think biology is important? This isn’t a trick or a test, I actually want to hear your thoughts.”
• A friend of yours is in law school, and very busy studying (all the time). You miss him, and try to get in touch. He only takes a few hours off on weekends to engage in other activities, so you are excited when he says he’s going to a park near you to meet up with some friends. The two of you agree to meet up, too. However, you can’t find him where you said you would meet, and he’s not picking up his cell. A few hours later, you receive a message from him saying that he had his phone off, and he was sorry you didn’t meet up. You feel annoyed and resentful. You could:
1. Hang out with the friend less, essentially writing them off as a reliable friend, since they clearly value their studies and other friends more than you - why should you keep trying if they’re not going to?
2. Pretend it never happened. You understand that he is very busy and focused on law school right now, so it was nothing personal. However, a small part of you still feels upset, and this prevents you from wanting to hang out with him. You drift apart.
3. Engage in Courageous Confrontation: Since he’s busy, you go over to his apartment for coffee, and explain where you’re coming from: “I value your friendship and like hanging out with you, and I didn’t want this to get in the way of that, so I just wanted to let you know how I was feeling. I felt annoyed and resentful the other day that we made a plan to meet up and then you didn’t follow through on it. I still felt like you valued your other friends and your schoolwork over me, and that you didn’t care if you canceled on me. It sort of hurt my feelings. I know it was just a casual plan and that you’re busy with law school and it’s stressful, but I still felt this way so I wanted to let you know.”
Possible results of Courageous Confrontation:
1. Your friend gets defensive in the moment and dismisses your feelings with, “Well, it wasn’t like our plans were written in stone, and I’m sorry my phone was off but I just forgot about it. It wasn’t like I was ignoring you on purpose.” However, the next weekend, he invites you to a movie (which he has never done), and buys you popcorn.
2. Your friend is surprised, and apologizes for not making sure he had his phone on when the two of you had a plan. He acknowledges that it’s frustrating to feel left out, and says that it won’t happen in the future. Although you don’t realize it directly, this also leads him to examine his underlying priorities of studying versus spending time with friends. He realizes that he actually hurt someone’s feelings by being so focused on his work, and that perhaps he needs to treat the people in his life with the same respect with which he treats Torts and Treatises.
• Your company does away with a long-standing bonus policy, and you think this is very unfair to the employees for a variety of reasons. You:
1. Complain to anyone who will listen, including your coworkers, your boyfriend, and your friends. Your coworkers and you gossip about possible reasons for the cancellation, feel victimized and undermined by the company, and spend energy thinking up ways to ‘screw’ management. Nothing changes, no one gets bonuses, and your quality of life at work diminishes.
2. You engage in Courageous Confrontation: You write to your immediate supervisor and request that they forward your statement on to anyone involved. You say, “I have worked at this company for three years, and I enjoy my job. As a member of the company, however, I wanted to give you some feedback on the decision to rescind bonuses. I feel frustrated that this decision was made with no explanation as to why. I feel angry that I had no input on the matter, and I feel disappointed that I won’t be receiving a bonus this year. I am not trying to complain for no reason, I just wanted you to know that as an employee, I want to feel respected and valued, and this decision has made me feel just the opposite.”
Possible results of your Courageous Confrontation:
1. Your supervisor writes an angry and unapologetic response, telling you that you have a good job and should be grateful for it, and how dare you question the policies of the company? You choose to request an in-person meeting with the next level up in management, discuss your concerns, and receive the same basic response. You feel demoralized, and realize that you have been feeling this way in your job for quite a while. You stay for a while before deciding you want a healthier community in which to spend 8-10 hours of your day, then quit and start your own incredibly successful business producing environmentally-friendly toupés. You always share bonuses with employees.
2. Your letter galvanizes your middle-management supervisor, who takes it upon herself to agree with you and reccommend to management that they find an alternative solution to simply rescinding the bonuses. She is told to create a taskforce of employees to discuss alternatives, and she requests that you participate.
In the West, we are not trained to give feedback - positive or negative. Most people particularly avoid giving negative feedback to others, including those close to them, but I think this is a disservice both to us and to the people we care about. I think people have a greater capacity to hear feedback than we think, and that even if they react defensively at first, they do hear us, especially if our feedback comes from a place of truth and undertstanding, not from trying to get back at someone or say something just to be mean. Now: after all THAT, I want to say that I don’t always practice what I preach. There are a lot of instances in my own life where I choose not to engage in Courageous Confrontation because it’s easier not to, and I’m lazy and afraid. However, it is what I am moving towards. I have been asserting myself in both small and larger ways, and every time I do gain a sense of accomplishment and feel more prepared and ready to do it the next time.
On a seemingly unrelated yet I believe quite related note, here are some quotes from the book Love, Medicine, and Miracles, which I highly recommend to anyone - especially anyone with someone with cancer in their life. It has literally life-saving advice for those battling the disease, and is a fascinating read besides. It is written by a surgeon, and much of the book revolves around the idea (substantiated by biological evidence) that emotions - particularly repressed emotions - manifest physically. In other words, pent-up anger, resentment, fear, etc., become physical masses within human bodies. He has a number of striking examples of this, and other fascinating observations from his life as a surgeon promoting healing from within. The wisdom contained in the book is truly remarkable, and like I said, stems from the direct observations of one who works in the field of medicine and healing (not always one and the same). Here are some excerpts:
[the acronym ECaP stands for Exceptional Cancer Patients, a support group the author formed to facilitate growing, sharing and healing from cancer]:
“Patients must be encouraged to express all their angers, resentments, hatreds, and fears. These emotions are signs that we care to the utmost when our lives are threatened. Time after time, research has shown that people who give vent to their negative emotions survive adversity better than those who are emotionally constricted. Among patients with spinal-cord injuries, those who express strong grief and anger make more progress in rehabilitation than those with a more stoical attitude. Mothers who show great distress after giving birth to a deformed infant give the child better care than those who seem to take the misfortune calmly. In a study of people living near Three Mile Island, Dr. Andrew Baum found that those who showed their rage and fear suffered far less from stress and psychological problems than those who took a ‘rational’ approach. Unexpressed feelings depress your immune response.”
“Those who try to get patients to understand how their own actions have contributed to illness are often criticized for ‘blaming the victim.’ This attitude misses the point … most illnesses do have a psychological component, and a realization of one’s participation and responsibility in the disease process is entirely different from blame or guilt. Of course few ever really want a life-threatening sickness, but it usually functions as a message to change or gives patients something they are not getting from their lives. As Carl Simonton has said, ‘I believe we develop our diseases for honorable reasons. It’s our body’s way of telling us that our needs - not just our body’s needs but our emotional needs, too - are not being met, and the needs that are fulfilled through our illnesses are important ones.’”
“It is only through pain that we change. It can be difficult to see our loved ones hurting but not changing. Our job is to love them. It is their pain that changes them, not our sermon.”
“Finding the ability to love requires giving up the fear, anguish, and despair that many people nurture. Many people have a lifetime of unresolved angers circulating through their minds and causing new stress with each recall. Confronting them and letting go of them involves honestly facing your own part in the problem, and forgiving yourself as well as others you’ve resented and feared.”
“I remember Joselle, an ECaP member with an exceptional sense of humor. Though quite a hefty woman, she would come to meetings wearing a tight shirt, high socks, and a outlandish hat - all as a sort of performance to give the others a laugh. One day she said that her chest x-ray showed the cancer was going away. I said, ‘I know why.’ Everyone leaned forward, waiting for some erudite explanation. ‘it’s because no self-respecting cancer would appear in an outfit like that.’’
“There are sound scientific reasons why we call robust, unrestrained laughter ‘hearty.’ It produces complete, relaxed action of the diaphram, exercising the lungs, increasing the blood’s oxygen level, and gently toning the entire cardiovascular system. Norman Cousins termed it ‘internal jogging,’ and others have likened it to a deep massage. A story or situation we anticipate will be funny creates a rising level of tension reflected in pulse, skin temperature, and blood pressure. This tension is suddenly released in muscular contractions with the punch line. All the muscles of the chest, abdomen, and face get a little workout, and if the joke is a real knee-slapper, even the arms and legs reap the benefits. After the laughter, all the muscles are relaxed, including the heart - the pulse rate and blood pressure temporarily decline. Physiologists have found that muscle relaxation and anxiety cannot exist together, and the relaxation response after a good laugh has been measured as lasting as long as forty-five minutes.”
“The separateness most of us experience is illusory. Botanist Rupert Sheldrake has recently proposed “morphogenetic fields” as a means of communication to explain the otherwise baffling results of certain experiments. It seems that once rats in one laboratory have learned a particular maze, other rats anywhere in the world, having had no contact with the original rats, learn that same maze faster. Apparently, once a thought has been thought, it can be communicated to others. Sheldrake believes this may be why an important discovery is often made simultaneously by several people working independently in different areas of the world.” (This I found to be the most fascinating idea from the book. Just think about it for a moment - once a thought has been thought, it can be communicated to others more easily, anywhere in the world. In other words, its simple existence actually changes the fabric of the universe.)
“One EcaP member always used to throw up immediately after her chemotherapy. Her husband would always have a bag ready for her to throw up in as she got in the car. But one day she opened the bag and found a dozen roses. She never threw up after chemotherapy again.”
“The real test is not whether we could be crucified to save mankind but whether we can live with someone who snores.”
“A college professor was lying helpless on the operating table just before surgery, when one of the nurses mentioned that she was one of his former students. ‘I hope I passed you,’ he quipped.”
“Taking care of unfinished business may someday come to be recognized as the most effective pain reliever and preparation for surgery. I recall a medical student who visited EcaP [Exceptional Cancer Patients, a support group the author founded] after learning her boyfriend’s father was to undergo surgery for lung cancer. She’d spent a busy week checking to make sure the surgeon was well-qualified. Then, on the way to the hospital, she remembered something I often ask group members: she asked her boyfriend what he would say to his father if he knew his father were going to die tomorrow.
In the hospital, the young man went up to his father, who had been an alcoholic, and said, ‘Dad, there were times you beat me, locked me in the trunk of the car, and did other things to me, but I want you to know I love you and I forgive you.’
The two embraced, and the young woman realized that more important than checking the credentials of the surgeon was saying the words ‘I forgive you’ and ‘I love you.’”
“The young woman speaks. ‘Will my mouth always be like this?’ she asks.
‘Yes,’ I say, ‘it will. It is because the nerve was cut.’
She nods, and is silent. But the young man smiles.
‘I like it,’ he says. ‘It is kind of cute.’
All at once I know who he is. I understand, and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I so close I can see how he twists his own lips to hers, to show her that their kiss still works. I remember that the gods appeared in ancient Greece as mortals, and I hold my breath and let the wonder in.”
“Spirituality means the ability to find peace and happiness in an imperfect world, and to feel that one’s own personality is imperfect but acceptable. From this peaceful state of mind come both creativity and the ability to love unselfishly, which go hand in hand. Acceptance, faith, forgiveness, peace, and love are the traits that define spirituality for me. These characteristics always appear in those who achieve unexpected healing or recover from a serious illness.”
And finally, the two parts that made me either cry or shiver with an inexplicable feeling:
“In an abandoned, bombed-out house in Germany at the end of World War II, Allied soldiers found a testimony to faith scratched into a basement wall by one of the victims of the Holocaust:
I believe in the sun - even when it does not shine;
I believe in love - even when it is not shown;
I believe in God - even when he does not speak.”
“By French poet Guillaume Apollinaire:
Come to the edge.
No, we will fall.
Come to the edge.
No, we will fall.
They came to the edge.
He pushed them, and they flew.”
____________
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for - Language spot! Particularly fruitful this week, considering how much I’ve been working lately:
First a contribution from my friend Emily, who is working for the Touch Foundation in Tanzania, along with her boyfriend Yaw:
In Swahili, the way to say 10 is "kumi."
The way to say vagina is "kuma."
When you order something, you say "Naomba" which means "I beg of you." Think "quisiera pedir"...
So Yaw goes to the gas station and says "Naomba elfu kuma."
Which literally translates to "I beg of you a thousand vaginas" rather than "I beg of you ten thousand (schillings worth of gas).
And from work:
“I have traveled quiet a bit, and have always been inspired by spirits of each city.”
“I look forward the academicism of art and social research, which is very different from other graduated school.”
“how to die a beard”
“Ms. Luu seemed to be a deadly voracious student, who was always hungry for knowledge.”
“This essay's deadline is 10 Jan. I hope your early edit.”
“I am keen to join the PhD stream at the University of California at Berkeley.”
“I definitely have strong desire for PhD degree. Of course I will be the strongest applicant.” (Of course…)
“I take great pleasure in recommendating ___, one of my favorite students, for acceptance into your distinguished graduate program.”
“I still vividly remember the constant echoed themes on Korean news channels back in 1997; the investors petrified by plummeting market indices and sky-rocking exchange rates, and industry experts discussing the economy on the perdition due to the market crash.”
“when I translate the essay from Chinese to English, I found it is no more vivid and deep-going as the Chinese edition.”
“When I think of my vision and carrier plan, Northwestern University is the best place to continue my research.”
“Therefore, it is my unswerving pursuit to acquire masterly the skills that can create a wonderful living environment.”
“And my study emphasis is just on inosculating traditions and modern into my own designing style.”
“Enthusiasm always let people be affable; enthusiasm also let a team be filled with energy and innovation; enthusiasm let a man explore everything curiously and keep an endless desire of learning, and enthusiasm also give people strength to stand up again when falling down. Fortunately, my parents gave me this characteristic, the vital spark. I always use my enthusiasm to create the most special activities that haven’t held before and solidify the centripetal force for everyone to make an unheard-of activity. Earnest enthusiasm is the best panacea for success.”
“Stability can make the scholars having the initial innocence at the moment of reaching the destination. Sharp sensitivity let scholars find amazement in the long way of studying.”
“New architecture in Asia is burgeoning but also might collapse at once. “It is the best of times; it is the worst of times.””
“The pulsating excitement as a director as well as a video designer and everytime this sense of achievement urge me to dive into the fantastic world of digital videos.”
“I began to understand the severe destruction humanity was and is reeking on both the planet and much of the life on it.”
[Little grammar check: the word ‘wreak’ means ‘to inflict something violent’ (“The storm wreaked havoc on the little town”). The word ‘reek’ means to smell bad, both literally and metaphorically (“The town reeked of gas, as its main gas line had been cut when the storm wreaked its havoc.”) The word ‘reak’ does not exist.]
“That is the reason why I decided to study more at graduate school and dedicate research for good basement of policy for sustainable world.”
“However, the Korean historian says that ‘you can see as much as you know’.”
[Um. What? That’s one of those sentences that sounds profound until you actually think about it, and then you realize it’s just meaningless.]
“Dear Melanie,
Thank you very much for your help. Your advice is very precious.
I wish you have nice days.”
“Dead line get closed.
Please provide sincere editting and advice.
Thank you.”
“I also plan to illicit study partners, tutors, student support services and live in the library if that is what is needed to succeed.”
From an essay from hell - seriously, imagine you had to edit two whole pages of this:
“As an independent filmmaker, Korean film industry attacked by Hollywood film for continues intrinsic moving to do not collapse and keeping against with the cultural concoction phenomenon need two things; the alternative production way of filmmaking and identify the own artistic format of Korean film.” (No really - imagine you were to edit that sentence. Reread it. Where would you begin?)
“1.I want to see a lively story open, is that ok? I have no idea.
2. if something sir you thing have no value, you can delete it
actually what i said is just optional”
“I need two seperate parts, personal and academic statement.
Because english is not my native language, if you really can't catch the real idea, may you mail me, please.
This Personal statement. I have the other applicant eaasy "Statement of Purpose" is done and revised fine. I will use these two as my applicat supplyment. I wish they are complementary. If you are willing to see my SOP. I would like to send it you. But in actually I just need to revise this essay. And you have no duty to help me this way. OK, it all depends on you. Thank you very very much.”
“Now another divergence is in front of me and I decided to stride the step.”
“I know Duke and love her very much, because in Duke I can obtain not only a JD degree and a desirable job, but also a life style I have been seeking: diversity, liberty and responsibility.”
“For instance, these tests ensure that if you touch your television when a power serge goes through the electrical outlet, you won’t be electrocuted.”
“As the matter of fact, I am always the exceptional one full of enthusiasm with these types of hard researches, and take it as a gift from my urban planning major to my life time career goal as an architect.”
“Finally, as I can do more and more of this, I will flourish on my own, and teach others to ride and to scintillate.” (That was from a native English speaker)
“Princeton will baptize me with brain storms and give me the nirvana.”
“I hope to teach some where I am needed after gaining my PhD, as I am confident that it is crucial for me not only to be an exclusive architect but also to breed up a would-be architect.”
“In the past five years I have developed an acute awareness of values, particularly avoiding blockage and restoring the lost.”
“My primary role was to arrange trial documents and translate the old written crime records, mainly occurred during Japanese colonial, into a computer’s archive. Through the experience, I have gradually accumulated the capacity of comprehending both sunny spots and shady spots in our society.”
“I think the hormone making and accelerating to be more feminine didn’t salivate us not to be women.”
