April 09, 2008, 1:50 a.m.
Who are you today?
I recently attended a game night at AuthenticSF, an organization here in the city that does relationship coaching and is generally committed to helping people build authentic, honest, fulfilling relationships. Their ideas and encouragement are for relationships in al¬l areas, but with a focus on romantic ones. Every two weeks they hold game nights on Authentic Relating, which is basically all about having fun and getting real. I’ve been to two so far and really enjoyed each one, but this last one I went to actually shifted my thinking in a profound way.
The theme of the evening was Mystery, and as a group (there were about 16 of us), before playing the games they had planned for us, we had a discussion about what mystery brings to a relationship. For me, the most valuable thing that came up was the importance of staying present and aware within relationship. One facilitator said that in essence, a relationship dies at the precise point at which one person assumes they know everything about the other person. I’m going to repeat that because I think it’s so important: A relationship dies at the precise point at which one person assumes they know everything about the other person. When one thinks they understand their partner completely, many times consciously or unconsciously labeling them one thing or another, the mystery is gone and the tautness, the tension, bringing together and meeting of two minds and two hearts, the relationship itself, dies.
The idea is that you lose out when you assume you know what someone else is like, or who they are, rather than approaching them every time as a new person ... even (or rather, especially) with the people you're very close to. It makes sense; even those you think you know the best are changeable - people's moods and feelings and beings change as they grow. If you assume you know who they are, you miss out on who they really are.
Alternatively, if you really stay present and aware and approach relationships (with anyone - not just a romantic partner), assuming you DON'T know who the other person is or what they're about, then you not only gain a lot more insight into who they really are, but it is a more exciting state to be in. It's a more expansive place to come from. Instead of assuming you know the answer, you constantly ask the question (and really listen to the response), "Who are you?" and, "Who are you today?" and sometimes, "Who are you right now, in this moment?"
The profundity of this practice has come to me gradually, ever since the thought itself was first introduced. I know how much I grow and change and shift, by the hour or day or week or year, but I don’t think I always allow for the fact that others do too. Who am I to assume that others remain stagnant? Who am I to assume that I know who they are, especially when they themselves might not even know? It is a far more humbling and intriguing prospect to look at my friends and others in my life with a sense of wonder, thinking, “Who are you today? Who are you right now?” We are constantly growing - and that’s not just a sweet or cute idea. People really do change and expand or contract and just ever so imperceptibly shift. It’s thrilling to approach others with a sense of genuine curiosity, thinking, “Who are you?” and, “Who are you today?”
The question, “Who are you today?” for me implies several elements: First, I know you. I know who you were yesterday, or the day before. We are familiar with each other. Second, I recognize and respect the fact that who you are changes, and I give you the power and authority to know and own and be that. Third, I am interested in who you are, right now. I want to know what’s going on for you, how you are feeling as a person, what life is like for you right now, in this moment. I want to know who you are.
One of the men in the group, in talking about mystery, mentioned that in a long-term relationship, for him there were definitely periods of stagnation, when each partner went off and did their own thing. Then, he said, they sometimes came back together, and re- fell in love with each other almost because of their new ‘differences.’ The facilitator listened to this and agreed, but also challenged him, saying, “Yes, and I would also add that what happens in a relationship has more to do with our lens and perspective on it than outside things. I mean, I at least have found that it’s not about my girlfriend going off and learning drag racing - although that’s cool, it’s more that when I feel bored or like things aren’t really moving forward, but then we really connect - I realize that she was actually there all along. I just had to pay attention.”
This topic relates to what I was going to write a blog entry on a while ago, which is how to be a good listener. I consider myself a good listener, but it was recently pointed out to me that I could be a better one, so I did a little research. It seems to me that the most important part of listening is also the most important part of asking the question, “Who are you today?” which is staying present. When you are present, you can really see who someone is. When you keep your mind focused and aware in the moment, you gain a lot more about the other person, which by definition makes you a better listener. Because isn’t the point of being a good listener that you’re actually listening? That you’re grasping, concentrating on, and really understanding the other person? For me, the best listeners are those people in my life who give me a lot of space to talk, but who also take the time to think about what I’m saying and ensure that they understand me before commenting or making suggestions. For me, with my personality style, the best listeners are those who hold the space for me to talk out my thoughts, without judging or trying to move me in a particular direction … and they are the ones who ask questions genuinely wanting to know my responses. They make me think just by rephrasing what I’ve said and asking me what I think about it.
The most useful comments I found on how to be a good listener were the following (these are a combination of direct quotes from different sources and my own thoughts):
• Be present.
This is probably, for me, the most important part of a truly good listener. To be centered is to be calm at a very deep level, to be without agendas or predispositions as to the outcome, and open to experience. Centeredness is a prerequisite to truly open listening. Being present means focusing on the listener and what they’re saying, without allowing a running commentary in your head.
• If you don’t understand something, ask.
Because what’s in one person’s head differs so greatly from what’s in another’s, for important concepts it will often take more explanation than just the speaker’s original contribution for the listener to truly understand. In other words, for me, because I have such a tendency to fill in gaps or assume I know what someone means by a certain word (such as ‘inconsistent’), I need to ask before responding to a point. In essence, this means really committing to fully understanding what someone else is saying, without assuming you know. The only way to really know is to keep asking until you really get it, which sometimes takes longer than you think.
• Accept the speaker's message.
On the face of it, this would seem to be an argument for gullibility--for believing almost anything anyone tells you. It's not. The point here is to suspend judgment during the immediate experience of listening. In accepting something "as is," you're not making a determination as to the truth or falsity of the statement, you're simply acknowledging exactly what the speaker is saying--right or wrong, good or bad, true or false.
• Listen for the whole message.
One estimate has it that 75% of all communication is non-verbal. If you take away the words, what's left? Plenty, it turns out. Beyond the words themselves is a host of clues as to what the speaker is communicating. Some examples: posture (rigid or relaxed, closed or open); facial expression (does it support the words?); hands (clenched, open, relaxed, tense?); eyes (does the speaker maintain eye contact?); voice tone (does it match the words?); movement (are the speaker's movements intense, relaxed, congruent (with the message) or conflicting; do they suggest that the whole speech is "staged"?) What you're looking for here are inconsistencies between with is said and what is really meant, clues that tell you the spoken message isn't really genuine.
The value in listening for the whole message is being able to read between the lines enough to say something like, “You somehow sound hesitant about this whole thing,” or, “You seem discouraged about it,” at which point you will probably receive more (and more accurate) information that really gets at the heart of the issue, rather than the words that merely coat it. Listening is a full-body activity.
• Resist the temptation to rebut.
Why is it that, when we hear someone saying something with which we strongly disagree, we immediately begin mentally formulating a rebuttal? Many reasons, but one of the most common is our natural tendency to resist any new information that conflicts with what we believe. Keep in mind: you can always rebut later, when you've heard the whole message and had time to think about it.
And on the flipside:
Blocks to Listening
Speaker’s Control of the Message: A two-way flow of information keeps listeners focused and involved. If the listener can feel free to keep the speaker posted on what and how the listener is feeling and thinking, and if the listener feels free to break in from time to time to clarify, check out the message, etc. then the listener is more involved in the message and is more likely to listen well and attentively. Sometimes the speaker’s control of the message is too rigid and this blocks a two-way flow. Examples: lecturing, advice giving, reprimanding. I notice that in my conversations with some people, it often degenerates into them simply giving me advice, which isn’t always very interesting. I also notice that with certain people, I feel like I’m lecturing or giving advice. I’m still working on how to identify what creates this dynamic and try to make it more even…
Assumptions: Avoid clouding up your listening attention with assumptions about what the other person is trying to say, what they really mean, what they want the listener to do, etc. Assumptions are often not accurate and they certainly prevent the listener from focusing on what’s being said. If I’m assuming, I’m not listening.
Buzz Words: Most people have private buzz words that have a definite emotional charge, sometimes positive, sometimes more negative. When listeners hear their own buzz words, they’re apt to reject or accept the whole message on the basis of their instant emotional reaction to the word or idea. When the buzz word hits, the listening stops. It is useful to know and understand yourself well enough to know your buzz words and emotional triggers in general. The better you know yourself, the better you are going to be at really listening, rather than simply reacting.
Silent Counter-Arguments: Listeners who find themselves challenged by what they hear may begin formulating their own counter-arguments while the message is still en route. The listener, though still apparently listening, has shifted focus to refuting what the speaker has “mistakenly” said.
Interruptions: In our haste to share our own ideas, we cut others off. This conveys to the speaker that you do not value what they have to say. Often I, at least, will interrupt not because I think what I have to say is more important, necessarily, but because I’m afraid that if I don’t say it right away, I’ll forget my thought. However, I don’t think this is the best strategy. I’m working on assuming that I’ll remember what I was going to say, and instead putting my focus and attention and energy on listening, rather than formulating or remembering my own thoughts. This does mean that sometimes I forget my original point, but I’m shifting my perspective to try to embrace the fact that this is an ok tradeoff.
It seems to me that much of being a good listener comes from being genuinely curious, which is the same thing as being fully present. When you ask the questions, “Who are you?” and “Who are you today?” if you are coming from a place of genuine curiosity, the person with whom you are speaking will feel that energy. They will feel the attention on them, the presence and focus you are bringing to that space, and they will respond accordingly. I have begun to look at the people in my life slightly differently now, and have also noticed that thinking in this way really and truly honors the fact that each day, each hour, each moment is unique. People’s feelings, wants, and moods shift - yesterday my close friend may have wanted to open an educational non-profit in the future. Now she’s thinking about what it would be like to create a communal garden instead. For me, I find this idea of embracing the “Who are you today?” and its corollary, “Who am I today?” helps me improve my practice of simply noticing, observing, and accepting whatever is, without judging it as right or wrong. That, to me, is wisdom: the power to observe and accept everything graciously, without judgment. Wisdom is awareness. So in that spirit, I ask you, gentle reader: Today, in this moment, who are you? Are you alive, awake, and present? Today, are you someone impatient, judgmental, and irritable, or are you expansive and capable? Are you happy? Are you excited and energized about life? Are you doing what you love and loving who you’re with? What are you passionate about today? What was the last interesting thing you learned and how did it affect you? Are you sad or upset about anything? Do you feel like you have purpose and direction, or do you feel a little aimless today? How comfortable do you feel in owning that you may feel one way today and another way tomorrow?
Who are you today?
Language spot:
From EssayEdge
I think this is the best feedback I have ever received as an editor:
“Hello Melanie,
I love the changes you made. You kept my voice and made it better. Thank you again.”
So I’m not sure all of you know that I also work part-time for Google as a quality rater. That essentially means I rate the quality of pages as related to the query the user puts in (i.e. if you search for ‘car parts’ and the landing page is for toy cars, I rate it ‘off-topic’ … it’s more complicated than that but you get the gist). Here are some of the strange google queries from this week (remember this is exactly what the user types into the google search box):
can i ask you a personal favor
do you have a grudge
lala
what were the apostles doing one week after resurrection of Christ
sex personal
Also - if you have never done, this you should: google “Find Chuck Norris” and hit the “I’m feeling lucky” button …
And the last one: (This one is more profound if you really stop to consider the metaphor of the fire)
“We often hesitate to follow our intuitions out of fear. Most usually, we are afraid of the changes in our own life that our actions will bring. Intuitive guidance, however, is all about change. It is energetic data ripe with the potential to influence the rest of the world. To fear change but to crave intuitive clarity is like fearing the cold, dark night while pouring water on the fire that lights your cave.” - Invisible Acts of Power, Caroline Myss (my emphasis)
