June 29, 2008, 10:24 p.m.
I don’t know where to begin. I feel like I have undergone a transformation since my last entry but I’m not sure exactly how to describe the depth of it. Here’s my attempt:
I was in despair. I was tired and angry and unhappy and despairing that I didn’t know what I was doing here or doing in general. I felt unmoored - if not here, then where? If not this, then what? Where am I going next? What am I doing, really? I felt trapped and lonely. I was desperate for guidance in several areas of my life.
So I tossed the I Ching. Two hexagrams rose up out of my simple prayer of, “Please, help me.” These words greeted my frantic sobs and exhausted heart:
Peace
Maintaining peace requires us to remain firm in inner discipline.
Waiting
Waiting in the correct attitude empowers the Creative.
And from the text:
“Effort always indicates a loss of inner independence. Effort implies that we doubt the truths we supposedly follow. It implies that we distrust the hidden power of the Creative. We still cling to the idea that making progress depends on external effort. The ego seeks a straight line to success and distrusts the slow progress achieved through following nature’s zig-zag path.”
“It is the Sage who decides when the time is right for things to work out, and when the conditions for unity will become possible. Until then we must wait.”
“Progress results from accumulative stages of development.”
“Each event is part of a zig-zag path by which the Creative resolves problems.”
“It is time to dismantle the defenses and strategies which comprise our resistance to Fate. We must disperse all effort and striving. In humbly submitting to and accepting the situation as it is, without resistence or resentment, we will gain the help of the Higher Power to correct the situation.”
“We patiently cooperate with Time as the vehicle of change, realizing that when the time comes to act, the Creative will indicate the correct way to respond.”
“Even happy turns of fortune often come in a form that seems strange to us.”
And I remembered a dream I once had, the upshot of which was, ‘Get on the water taxi.’ In other words, you are not in charge of the vehicle. Someone else is driving. You just have to get in. If you try to drive, you will fail. You don’t know where you’re going and it’s too big, too much, too dangerous. You have to let go of control to move forward. I received the image of a river, the current of which was flowing downstream and against which I was paddling with all my might. I was paddling, swimming, trying, pushing, desperately straining against the flow of the water to get somewhere. Only I wasn’t getting anywhere - I was using up all my energy just to stay in place, or to swim from bank to bank.
The I Ching reminded me to get on the water taxi, to accept that I am not in charge. It’s not all up to me. Things will happen in my life that I can’t see yet. Opportunities will arise that are not of my making. There will be forks and decisions to make and people and events and moments of darkness and light - whether or not I plan or choose them. So to make a long story short, I am letting go of the need to control everything. If things are meant to happen, they will. I am cared for and taken care of. I live in the present, and I can’t predict what will happen next. I will meet those I am meant to meet, and each thing will lead to the next. It is not my job to make things happen; it is my job to stay open and aware and take advantage of what is around me - do what brings me joy.
It’s interesting, because when people used to ask me what I was doing here, I always had an answer. When they asked me whether I would stay on for another season or not, I had an answer. Now, that seems so far away that it’s useless to think about. I am taking each day as it comes. When it comes to what will happen later, I will decide then. I will see how I feel and what I know then, and I will choose according to that. I am focused on living each day here, where I am. I am having a good time paying attention to the people I am meeting here and the experiences I am having now. I have faith that the next step will unfold as it will. In the same way, in my personal life I am learning how to let go of the need to decide beforehand how I will react or feel to certain situations. I have the faith that once I’m in a situation, I’ll know how to respond. I’ll know what to say, based on how I’m feeling in that moment. I’m learning to let go of the need to already know how to react or what to think. I accept that feelings change and that that’s ok. I don’t have to hold myself to any standard or previous way of thinking.
I have long searched for a reasonable definition of faith, and today I have one (but that could change tomorrow): faith is the ability to trust that as you stay present and aware, you will be led. The words will come. The decision will be clear. The path will present itself. When the conditions for unity become possible, it will flow naturally. Faith is the choice to believe - to know - that you don’t have to try so hard, because you are not alone. The universe is a pattern that is woven and flows around you: faith is accepting that you are a part of it and that you will know as you need to know, learn as you need to learn, be as you need to be.
Language spot:
I have begun meditating every day. I do a short meditation, about 15 minutes, and at the end I spend another 10-15 minutes writing down phrases as they come to me. Here are some of the most interesting:
“Be not like the sun that shines but like the moon that waxes and wanes - all things will come in time and there are cycles that must be honored.”
“Be sweet like flowers and wrong like the rain.”
“Be willing to run and jump and curse and scream.”
“Let things come to you, over and over.”
“Pain is reality set to motion.”
“Learn to understand your own heart.”
“Become who you were meant to become by letting go.”
“Understand that satisfaction comes and goes.”
“Be gentle with yourself and impose limits.”
“Love is a process.”
“The opposite of letting things slide is letting them be.”
“Be purposeful in your answers.”
“Try to see the light and grace in people even when they’re acting badly.”
“You have the right to be delectable.”
“Sometimes formless is better than formed.”
“Don’t be afraid to grasp for opportunities.”
“Try new and different ways of communicating.”
“You are not alone.”
“Understand notions that are beyond you right now. They are coming.”
“Maintain your presence by noticing what is around you.”
“Tailor your life to your needs.”
“Peace comes in increments, not all at once.”
“Laugh at the moments (of pain).”
“Stay undecided until you know for sure.”
“Revise your patterns of past relating.”
“Cry when you need to.”
“Experience the poetic and the profound without judgment.”
And just to lighten the mood since this entry seemed a little heavy, here is a recap of some of the highlights of past EssayEdge entries:
“Now another divergence is in front of me and I decided to stride the step.”
“1.I want to see a lively story open, is that ok? I have no idea.
2. if something sir you thing have no value, you can delete it
actually what i said is just optional”
“I need two seperate parts, personal and academic statement.
Because english is not my native language, if you really can't catch the real idea, may you mail me, please.
This Personal statement. I have the other applicant eaasy "Statement of Purpose" is done and revised fine. I will use these two as my applicat supplyment. I wish they are complementary. If you are willing to see my SOP. I would like to send it you. But in actually I just need to revise this essay. And you have no duty to help me this way. OK, it all depends on you. Thank you very very much.”
“Ms. Luu seemed to be a deadly voracious student, who was always hungry for knowledge.”
“This essay's deadline is 10 Jan. I hope your early edit.”
“I am keen to join the PhD stream at the University of California at Berkeley.”
“As a teachis, I treasure the rare student who has the talent and skill to make a significant contribution to his field.”
“when I translate the essay from Chinese to English, I found it is no more vivid and deep-going as the Chinese edition.”
“Therefore, it is my unswerving pursuit to acquire masterly the skills that can create a wonderful living environment.”
“And my study emphasis is just on inosculating traditions and modern into my own designing style.”
“Stability can make the scholars having the initial innocence at the moment of reaching the destination. Sharp sensitivity let scholars find amazement in the long way of studying.”
“New architecture in Asia is burgeoning but also might collapse at once. “It is the best of times; it is the worst of times.””
“Dead line get closed.
Please provide sincere editting and advice.
Thank you.”
“Princeton will baptize me with brain storms and give me the nirvana.”
“I hope to teach some where I am needed after gaining my PhD, as I am confident that it is crucial for me not only to be an exclusive architect but also to breed up a would-be architect.”
“My primary role was to arrange trial documents and translate the old written crime records, mainly occurred during Japanese colonial, into a computer’s archive. Through the experience, I have gradually accumulated the capacity of comprehending both sunny spots and shady spots in our society.”
“I think the hormone making and accelerating to be more feminine didn’t salivate us not to be women.”
